notes from the office #38

*********** ds9 spoilers
***********

8:11a i stayed up entirely too late watching – of all things – deep space 9. there’s a 2-parter in the middle of the season where the dominion threaten to invade the station. i’ve watched deep space 9 a million times and those episodes keep my attention. there’s a lot going on in those episodes outside of the A plotline and tbh, i was in and out of sleep until the second episode where the party is in a jem hadar holding pen.

like we get to know garak pretty damn well. his father headed the obsidian order and was a total douche. he’s anxiety-ridden, something i know pretty intimately. like he talks to himself in increasingly panicked tones until he comes out and acknowledges his claustrophobia when he’s trying to save the group.

at the same time worf is worfing it up. he’s selected to teach the jem hadar how to take down a klingon. now they picked the wrrrroonnnggg klingon for that, because worf is never going down. they’ll have to kill him. even martok eventually says, dude tap out. you proved your point. worf’s like, no man, he’s gonna have to kill me. the jem hadar ring leader even bows out before worf does. i’m headcannoning this as worf is, duh, defending his honor as a klingon but at the same time is protecting martok, dr bashir, garak, and the romulan captive from a similar fate in the ring the longer he holds on. you’ll have to kill me to get to them. that’s the starfleet/human influence on worf.

the vorta then instructs another jem hadar soldier to vaporize the ring leader, worf and (i think) martok but GARAK CLENCHES IT IN THE FINAL SECONDS and fixes the transporter hookup in the wall and ultimately saves the day. beams them out right as the jem hadar soldier fires.

9:23a i wish i could stop thinking about death. i don’t want to die. i don’t want my parents to die, i don’t want my sister to die, i don’t want my boyfriend to die, i don’t want my friends to die. it’s really the only thing we absolutely have to do in life though, and as many times as i acknowledge it as fact i can’t put the child’s voice in my mind away entirely. every time i see a death certificate at work i wonder what mine will look like. it fills me with dread.

10:03a that little dip passed, thank goodness.

10:38a the best way to get past that dip is to think about all the cool stuff and experiences i’ll fill my life up with. like right now, in my head, i’m drawing up tentative plans for an ana cosplay for comicpalooza and a couple outfits for the renaissance festival in the fall.

[xxxxxx] emailed me as i was literally writing him a text to see how retirement’s treating him. someone must have said something, lol. he was hoping i’d got new furniture in his old office, NOPE. same stuff. but this stuff is from the early 90s at least. it’s lasted this long it’ll probably last my tenure here as well.

11:27A i’m listening to “the black farm” as read by talkback. this is fucking intense even though a robot voice is reading it to me. as someone who still struggles with suicidal ideation (even though i KNOW FOR A FACT i don’t want to die) this is a hard listen. at least the beginning. i’ve heard the nosleep story (“feed the pig”, i think?) and i know there’s more. i know there’s a moral. i know it’s not glorifying suicide. jfc i don’t think i could handle this as a performance piece, which i think is what nosleep is touring right now.

11:46a it was a mistake to try and eat my AM snack and listen to this book. just got to the part where the main character is coming to in the farm. uuuggghhh why did i think risotto balls were a good idea. just goes to show that this author, whose name escapes me and talkback makes a pain in the ass to find readily, is really great at painting a picture. even through the robot voice.

11:52a i’m so happy the main character thinks of his wife as soon as he’s regained thought.

2PM ok brainstorming for the next batch of meals

rice base
(1 lb) ground turkey
(1 lb dry) great northern beans
(2 bags of baby spinach?) sauteed garlic spinach
1 bag frozen green peas
pickled carrots
pickled cucumbers
kimchi?

i like congee for breakfast but i need to figure out how to get more calories out of it. duh, increase the amount of rice.

maybe a pasta dish, i’ve had rice bowls more or less for a month and a half.

box of rotini
1 lb ground turkey or 1 lb pork loin
1 brick tofu
1 jar red sauce
whatever is left of the lentils in the cabinet
cooked spinach

3:02p the black farm is some good suicide prevention fanfic once you get past the beginning

3:26p jesus christ, muck. muck, muck, muck. i wonder why i’m listening to this, and then i remember i’ve been watching horror movies since well before the age i should have been. maybe this is just the next logical step, since horror movies really do nothing for me anymore.

4:36p i think elias witherow is on the same page as i am re: horror. finally saw the author’s name again when i had to bail out of talkback for a minute. work happened. not that it isn’t always happening when i’m here, but i had to pause talkback and the kindle app backs out of the book when you do that.

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